Dear Alex : On your 4 Year Anniversary

Dear Alex,

I laid in bed this morning wishing I could keep my eyes closed so that the heaviness of facing the day did not have to become a reality. My eyes open and the guilt sinks in. A familiar feeling. How did another year pass without you? How did another year of smiles, laughter, life, continue…..without you? On your anniversary, along with other days throughout the year, I reflect on the progress we have all made regarding our grief, as if there will ever be a day without any pain. I know others who have suffered great loss’s may also tell themselves this lie. A day without pain. Now I feel selfish. How can I strive for this when you suffered in darkness and experience similar, if not worse, pain for so long. I ponder this for a while and try to imitate the pain you must have been going through all those years before your death. If it's anything like what I have come up with in my head, its debilitating, my chest hurts, and the I can no longer see the rays of sun or hear the birds chirp. Tears are running down my face and I imagine these must be the tears that you had held inside for all that time. The strength you must of endured to move from day to day is unimaginable. My feelings are shifting now. You were..are a strong strong person. I begin to reflect on your beauty. I can hear your booming laugh and I can imagine you looking down at me currently telling me to hurry the hell up with this letter. I miss you. I want you to know, while it not always obvious, I am trying to be so much more patient with myself, and every single person I encounter. You have taught me to assume we are all suffering, we have all endured great loss, and we are all grieving. I realize this should not only be an assumption but what a reality this actually is. Every single person has experienced a form of grief and If we all act as if we can empathize with them, we will all be kinder and more aware. Your loss has made me eager to bring this awareness to the world.

Alex, you are a brave, strong, beautiful man. I am sorry for all the pain your had. I am sorry. I love you.

If you, or someone who know is suffering, in anyway, I urge you to speak up and seek guidance.

Love,

Meg