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It's 2:45 pm on Sunday and a wave of restlessness, sadness, uncertainty, nausea, jitters, guilt, increased heart rate, and finally - tears come over me. Now at 2:53 pm, I am casually writing this post, and watching "Shameless" in the background. Random, huh?
This is MY anxiety.
I say MY because if you also suffer from anxiety, we would likely not describe our feelings and behaviors the same - And if you do suffer from anxiety, and are reading this - I am sorry, I empathize with you.
My anxiety comes in many forms. Some of which are very obvious, and some of which are not. For example, I wake up at 7:00 on a weekend... by 7:25, I am downstairs with a cup of coffee, kitchen is cleaned, cleaning supplies are all over the house and I'm headed downstairs to start a load of laundry.... yes... all within 30 minutes of waking up. Why? I do not know why, but I do know that I need to be doing something productive, and it must not wait. That's it. If not, I start to feel anxious ( which to me, feels like increased heart rate and a foot that will not stop moving or tapping ). Picture a little kid who has been asked to not move a hair as you tease them with their favorite toy in front of them.. they start to get upset, wiggle, squirm, maybe start kicking... if you can put those actions into a feeling -that's what is going on inside of me if you has asked me to "chill" and "stay in bed for 10 more minutes".
Here is another example; Lets go back to the 2:45 pm Sunday. Why did this happen? Again, not sure - but for some reason but body thought it was needed. How convenient ( hopefully you picked up on the sarcasm). Here's the other thing, trying to determine why I act this way, or do certain things also feeds my anxiety.
Here are my current thoughts:
Okay, why did I just have an anxiety attack? Am I just having a bad day? Is it because I'm bored? Should I be doing sometime with my life at moment instead of watching shameless? Is it not okay to relax? I can't waste a perfect Sunday just sitting on the couch. I'm getting older, I need to be active and enjoy life. Maybe I am feeling guilting for the disagreement I had with my mom a couple days ago. Am I a bad daughter? I should of been nicer to my parents when I was younger. What time is it? Okay what can I do to distract myself from these thought? maybe take a walk? ugh, but I'm exhausted. Maybe ill cook-- no I need to save some of this food because it needs to last me to the end of the week, till I get paid again. Why do I not have any money? I just need a million dollars. Would I be happier if I had a different career and made more money …… these thoughts will likely continue for the rest of the day, playing in the back of my head just loud enough distract me from really appreciating how wonderful of a day it is.
My anxiety is also sitting at work, triple checking everything I do, from grabbing a patients folder, to putting in a message to the doctors.
My anxiety is getting a call from a friend and immediately hesitating and thinking " crap, what did I do, what's wrong, they never call, something must be wrong". Just to find out, they are driving and want to know if I want if I have plans for the weekend. I find myself getting annoyed with myself when this happens. Its frustrating. If you suffer from anxiety, you may be able to relate to this, and can also agree that not only can it be frustrating, its exhausting. Sometime so exhausting that I cancel plans with friends and even sometimes family.
Luckily I have ALOT more good days than bad - I have a lot of resources around me that I find helpful and would love to share with those who may also suffer.
1) Color - Yes those adult coloring books are extremely relaxing if you suffer from anxiety. Amazon has an awesome collection of adult coloring books. This book may be my next purchase.
2) Eat: At one time my anxiety was so apparent to my mother that she surprised me with this book (below). I had no idea that some foods can contribute to anxiety and that some of my favorite food can even help with my anxieties. I highly recommend this! YUM!
3) Cry - Okay, honestly sometimes as soon as I start crying I feel 50 times better, I feel an a sense of release. So, excuse yourself, when appropriate, and let it out.
4)Talk!! - talk to supportive friends, family, coworkers, and most importantly, talk to your doctor. It was not until just a year or so ago did I get the courage to make an appointment with my physician. She listened and made it very clear that she would be a great resource to me if I would like to medically treat my anxiety.
I wrote this post just to talk. Mental health continues to be disregarded more than it really should and the only way to change that is to talk, share, and talk some more. I hope some can relate to this post and can find some of this self help remedies useful.